Thursday, September 27, 2007

Gallery Flambeau

In the back of every artist’s closet is a stack of failed efforts, the paintings that just didn’t work out for one reason or another. I’ve got my share of clunkers. But an artist should not bequeath too many bad paintings to posterity.

Your reputation rests on your overall average. If you have a lot duds floating around after you’re gone, your grandchildren will be in a tough spot. They won’t want to get rid of your bozos, so you should now.

That’s why, with the help of my teenage son Franklin, I invented the “Gallery Flambeau.” This solar-powered, environmentally friendly device uses a 4-foot wide array of parabolically positioned, laser-mounted mirrors to magnify the power of the sun over 300 times. Displayed under its unforgiving glare, a painting magically transforms into a cloud of smoke and a shower of ash. Gone forever. Press delete. Your Artistic Average goes up a tiny notch.

Remember, kids, don't play with fire, and protect your eyes from the intense brightness of the hotspot by always wearing the approved Mongolian Mountaineering Safety Goggles.


Michael Damboldt said...

a) Is that a Miyazaki shirt?!
b) Great rendition of Archimedes' 'death ray' (the parabolic mirror device). I saw one like it on Mythbusters. Ha.

Anonymous said...

The breathing of artistic smoke may bring unexpected sied-effects such as:
- dizziness.
- mild irritation of nasal membrane.
- use of exotic eyewear.
Do it at your own peril.

And that's why my favourite art-disposal method include a portable cremation oven, a small single-engine aircraft and thirty-two kilograms of high-explosives. I get so many duds when drawing before I manage to come up with a good picture, everything else must go with a bang! =P

In all seriousness now:

Some of the pictures laying on the ground look pretty good from the angle we were seeing them. I'll keep trying, one day I'll be able to afford such high standards. =)

Anonymous said...

You could try sending some of your "duds" to your friends! Steph has some paintings he pulled from the trash can of a dear friend who died many years ago, and we cherish these sketches! Looks like fun

Jamin LeFave said...

That's hilarious. It is always comforting to know that I'm not the only one that has bad days.

Unknown said...

That's awesome, Jim, you're like the artworld's Nikola Tesla. Do you think a stack of animation paper could fit on that sucker?

larin said...

My mother ( has chopped hers up and put them in the woodstove and recently confessed to running one piece over with the truck before said conflagration! It almost makes me want to come up with a real dog, just to get rid of it! Love your device, though and will be forwarding your blog to her! --LaRinda

Jared Shear said...

Fantastic!!...I want one of these.

Nancy Bea Miller said...

You are so acquaintance died a couple years ago...he was prolific and a pack rat and his poor widow is trying to move on with her life carrying the emotional weight of several thousand heavy oil paintings she does not know what to do with. Tragic!

Looks like you have a lot of fun with this dud-culling!

Wayne Knowles said...

I've always had sacrificial burnings using a metal garbage can but this is so much better.

Ran across this on YouTube and reminded me of Gallery Flambeau.!

Can the Gallery Flambeau melt rocks?

James Gurney said...

Wayne, thanks for the link. No, the G.F. doesn't get hot enough, unfortunately.